Saturday, January 22, 2022

The Audio File: The Carlötta Beautox Chronicles

It is a new year, and that means there are new reviews of audio dramas to be had. There’s nothing really more for me to add, so I’ll get straight to the point. We’re taking a look at The Carlötta Beautox Chronicles


Kitty Kinicki was just a girl from Picatinny, New Jersey. She had big dreams, and she knew that she should expect more out of life than working at the town armory and eating chicken parm on Sunday nights. So, she decided to throw caution to the wind. She moved to Hollywood with big dreams of becoming an actress. To that end, she would need to reinvent herself. So, she picked a new name, a name as glamorous and exciting as her dreams: Carlötta Beautox! Carlötta has high hopes…but her acting abilities leave something to be desired. Still, come hell or high water, she will do whatever it takes to become a famous celebrity. Gird your loins, Hollywood, because here comes Carlötta Beautox!

The Carlötta Beautox Chronicles is created by Ann Sloan and is a member of the Fable & Folly network of podcasts. Amusingly, it turns out that the Fable & Folly network exists in Carlötta’s world as well. There’s a scene during season three where Carlötta goes to a podcast convention. She learns about what audio dramas are, and of one team that is creating a comedy set in Hollywood. To this Carlotta responds, “So, not in space, or a fantasy realm?” This is s sly reference to fellow Fable & Folly shows We Fix Space Junk and Alba Salix, Royal Physician.

I first became aware of The Carlötta Beautox Chronicles while listening to…hmm, which Fable & Folly show was it? I want to say either We Fix Space Junk or Alba Salix. Probably wasn’t Harlem Queen. In any event, I had a gap in my listening schedule, and decided to give The Carlötta Beautox Chronicles a try. It only took a few episodes before I was hooked, and before long I’d listened to the entire show. How can I best describe The Carlötta Beautox Chronicles? Well, start with The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, but with the rules of reality turned down even lower. Actually, send the rules of reality out to lunch, and make damn sure they don’t return. Add a pinch of paint fumes for flavor, and you have this audio drama.

The Carlötta Beautox Chronicles is almost completely lighthearted and silly. There’s nary a serious moment to be found, and the show is all the better for it. The show has a great theme song, and the lyrics change every season to reflect major developments in Carlötta‘s life. Let’s take a look at the cast of characters who inhabit this world, shall we?

As I have said, Carlötta has high hopes, but zero talent. To give one example among many, in the first episode she gets cast as a corpse on Castle. She had to keep perfectly still and play dead, but manages to fails rather spectacularly. But hey, she did make number eleven on Variety’s “Top 10 Extra’s Nobody Want to Work With” list. So, win some lose some, I guess. In terms of intelligence, Carlötta is somewhere between a sack of bricks and a bag of half-eaten cannolis. Still, despite how funny it is to listen to her fail, she’s endearing enough that we all want to see her succeed, even if only a little. Carlötta supplements her acting gigs, such as they are, by working various odd jobs. Among other things, she’s been a dog-walker, a personal assistant, and even babysat some alpacas. She thought they’d be alpacas sweaters, not literal alpacas, despite a galactic-sized amount of evidence to the contrary. Carlötta is voiced by Samantha Gordon, who is clearly having an absolute blast with the role.

Of course, Carlötta wouldn’t get anywhere without her trusty manager/landlord Dave. He helps find acting roles, and assorted odd jobs, for Carlötta. He’s actually pretty good at it too. For example, he manages to score Carlötta a job selling merchandise at Cannes. Yes, the world famous film festival, and what’s really surpassing is that they usual don’t sell…oh dear, that’s not correct at all. I’m sorry everyone, that was my mistake. Let’s take it from the top, shall we?

What I meant to say is that Dave gets Carlötta a job selling merchandise at Cans, the largest porno convention in America. In his defense, Carlötta can’t really afford to be picky with her jobs. And hey, at least it was selling porno merchandise, not actually being in a porno. And Dave does usually get better gigs for Carlötta. He gets her a job in a film where she plays an Irish person. Naturally, Carlötta felt the need to take a DNA test just to be sure she wasn’t committing cultural appropriation of Irish culture. Thankfully, Carlötta is part Irish, and part, well, just about everything. She even has DNA from nations that don’t have set ethnicity, like Canada. Did I mention that the rules of reality are out to lunch on this show? As you can see, while The Carlötta Beautox Chronicles does occasionally touch on serious and/or controversial issues, it does so with tongue planted firmly in cheek.

Dave is voiced by Trevör Lissauer. Dave sounds kind of like Gubbin from The Axe and Crown, and I initially thought it might be the same voice actor, but I was wrong.

Dave also took a DNA test, and discovered that he is 100 percent Neanderthal. Interestingly, most humans, other than those of predominantly Sub-Saharan African ancestry, have a small amount of Neanderthal DNA. I myself am 2.1 percent Neanderthal. Of course, having near 100 percent would be pretty much unheard of, but again, this isn’t a show where reality is on the guest list. Dave does later discover that he is distantly related to a minor British noble named Dame Pickles. He goes to the United Kingdom to visit her, and winds up with a mouth full of spotted dick when Carlötta calls him unexpectedly.

It’s a type of British steamed pudding, get your minds out of the gutter. Yeah, The Carlötta Beautox Chronicles gets a lot of mileage out of words and phrases that have multiple meanings. One episode see Carlötta get a visit from her Aunt Flo. No, not her period, her Aunt Florence. She is referred to as Literal Aunt Flo by everyone for the rest of the episode. In another episode, after eating wild berries, Carlötta goes on a vision quest and receives wisdom from the Fairy God Cougar. As in, a magical talking mountain lion, not the other kind of cougar. Although, the way the Fairy God Cougar talks certainly brings the other kind of cougar to mind.

Rounding out the main trio is Siri. Yes, the virtual assistant from Apple. She’s rather snarky and sarcastic, constantly makes fun of Carlötta. Of course, during the ads, Siri gives Ann Sloan no end of grief. You know, I do wonder if Ann Sloan might be drawing from her own life, at least a little, for Carlötta‘s misadventures. Some of the jokes about living in a small town in New Jersey do feel like they’re poking fun in an affectionate sort of way. Ann and Carlötta also both moved to Hollywood with dreams of big success.

In any event, there are a lot of references to current celebrities, as is to be expected. Normally, this would potentially limit the shelf life of a series. However, I think that The Carlötta Beautox Chronicles has some staying power. Mel Brooks once said that a parody should still be funny even if you don’t know what it is making fun of. I would argue that The Carlötta Beautox Chronicles falls into this category. It is still perfectly funny even if you don’t know who all of the celebrities are.

But which celebrities make appearances? I’ll give a few examples. The first episode, being on the set of Castle, features a cameo by Nathan Fillion. Well, the voice actor sounded nothing like him, but knowing this show, I’m tempted to say that was deliberate. Another episode sees Carlötta discover that a beloved talk show host is, in fact, a terrible person. Said host is only identified under the fake name of Helen. Hmm, talk show host, name rhythms with Helen, scandalous secrets…I’m stumped. Could be anyone really. What’s that now? Ellen DeGeneres? Why ever do you say that?

Carlötta frequently says that Khloe Kardashian is her spirit animal, and even gets to meet her at the end of season one. The voice actress playing her sounds fairly spot-on. Ooh, Carlötta better be carful. Native America social media activists aren’t going to take kindly to her using the term spirit animal. Native Americans have some serious reservations about that sort of thing. There are several other celebrity cameos, but I’ll leave those for you to discover. Even the ones I couldn’t place still managed to be funny, so I usually got the gist of the jokes.

Well, I think that covers everything not related to serious spoilers. Yes, even a show like this has serious plot-line related spoilers. If you want to know why I said “paint fumes” when describing this show, well, you’ll see when you get to the end of season one.

Suffice it to say, I am very glad that I gave this show a chance. The Carlötta Beautox Chronicles is a wacky, zany, tongue-in-check look at Hollywood and celebrity culture. It is lighthearted, silly, doesn’t take itself too seriously, and is a lot of fun. I strongly recommend that you give it a listen today.

Well, I think that should do it from me for now. I will see you guys next time.

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