A
field trip is always an exciting occasion for the gods and goddesses of Nile
High. It could mean a closer look at mythical realms such as Olympus or
Asgard, a behind the scenes look at the jobs of the elder gods or just an
excuse to get off campus for a bit. Though sometimes, such as in this
particular tale, it literally meant a trip to a field. Mind you, hardly
anyone complained about this. After all, it was still an opportunity to get
out of class and blow off some steam.
Hephaestus
glanced up from the canvass he was painting. He was trying his best at
truly capture the colors of the rolling waves of grass. He was second to
none when it came to using the forge and shaping metal into marvelous machines
and stunning sculptures. So why was it that painting always seemed to
give him so much trouble? It seemed like he'd never be anywhere near as
good a Frey. Frey's paintings always seemed so realistic they were like
looking through a window at a landscape. Hephaestus' paintings just
seemed so flat and lifeless by comparison.
Frey
put his hand on Hephaestus' shoulder reassuringly. "Looks like it's really
coming along."
"Thanks.
I mean, I know you're only saying that to be nice, but thanks all the
same."
"No,
I really mean it. Everyone views the world differently, and we express
those differences through our art. Okay, that might be a little cliché,
but I guess what I'm trying to say is this: not all art has to be
representative."
Hephaestus
gave a weak smile as he whipped off his googles. "You always know just
what to say, don't you?"
The
two gods stretched out on the grass and out their hands behind their heads.
The golden green steppe seemed to stretch on as endlessly as the azure blue
sky. Usually, Hephaestus was more at home among the clanking metal and
the hissing steam of machine, but maybe nature wasn't so bad. He hadn't
been stung by a swarm of bees, trampled by stampeding bulls or mauled by lions.
As far things when for Hephaestus, the steppes were shaping up to be his
best field trips yet.
Presently,
a heard of wild horses appeared of in the distance. Hephaestus and Frey
got up to take a closer look, but then a metallic glint caught Hephaestus' eye.
Two sets of Roman centurion armor were laying in the grass. That
was a bit odd, as neither Hephaestus nor Frey had heard of any Roman
settlements in Central Asia. All the same, the two gods decided to have a
little fun and put on the armor. Hephaestus stood at attention while Frey
paced back and forth like a general.
"Soldiers!
A fish loves water, and squirrels love the trees, but what do we Romans
love?"
"Sir!
We love to expand our territory, sir!"
"Exactly!
And why do we love to expand our territory?"
"Because
the barbarians are too stupid to know what is good for them, sir! We must
bring them the light of civilization, sir!"
"Good
work, solider! Keep that up and you just might get a raise...but probably
not."
The
two gods shared some good laughs over their performance. However, their
laughter abruptly stopped when they noticed the school bus driving off without
them. The bus was nearly identical to a Greek trireme, save that it could
fly though the air, and it had a set of retractable wheels for driving on land.
Hephaestus tried his best to make a mad dash for the bus, but his bad leg
seized up and he fell flat on his face.
Hephaestus
had been crippled even since he'd been thrown off of Mount Olympus when he was
a small child. He could never remember if it had been his mother or his
father who'd done it, but he supposed, in the grand scheme of things, it didn't
really matter that much. What did matter was that, after he'd crash
landed, he'd become permanently crippled. Though, his siblings Apollo and
Athena speculated that he might have already been crippled, and that the fall
had merely a preexisting condition. He had to wear a metal leg brace just
to keep his bad leg from giving out; not that his "good leg" was all
that reliable either.
Frey
slung Hephaestus over his shoulders and sprinted across the fields of rippling
grass. Frey was, Hephaestus noted, keeping surprisingly good pace despite
the heavy load he had to bear. With one final burst of energy Frey leaped through the air and landed on the top deck of the bus. He perfectly stuck
his landing...right on top of Dionysus.
"Oh,
pardon me, Dionysus! Guess I didn't see you there."
"You
know, we were going to stop for you."
"So,
how much trouble are we in?" asked Hephaestus.
"Well,
you missed roll call, so you'll probably be on latrine duty for the next week
or so. Stiff up lip, lads. It happens to us all at some point.
Oh, and one more thing, my name is Bacchus. I don't care what you
say about me, just so long as you remember to spell my name correctly.
Now, go run along and find some seats below deck."
Something
seemed a bit off about Dionysus, or whatever he was calling himself.
Hephaestus just couldn't put his finger on what it was. Had he
gotten a haircut, or perhaps a new set of clothes, and why did the name Bacchus
seem familiar? Hadn't he heard that somewhere before? Oh well, he'd
figure it out eventually.
Finding
an empty seat was easy enough, but something still just didn't seem right.
Hephaestus opens his satchel and his comic scrolls promptly spilled on
the floor. He bent down to gather them up and was greeted by a shocking
sight: there was no gum stuck to the bottom of the seats! Not only that,
but the backs of the bus seats completely lacked any sort of graffiti. It
finally clicked for Hephaestus about what seemed so off about the bus.
That morning the bus had smelled like fish and seaweed; it had been
donated by Hephaestus' uncle, Poseidon, so that certainly made sense.
Now, however, it smelled like fresh baked bread and pine trees!
By
now, Hephaestus and Frey had gotten a better look at the various gods and
goddesses on the bus. There were young deities from pantheon across the
world, but they were all wearing, with some variation, Roman style clothes. Their suspicions were raised even more when they
noticed the banners hanging from the ceiling. The banners were crimson
and embroidered with the letters T.A. in gold thread. There was a god
with spiral Gallic style tattoos sitting in front of Hephaestus and Frey.
Hephaestus tapped the Gaulish deity on his shoulder.
"Excuse
me, but is this bus going to Tiber Academy?"
The
Gaul frowned. "But of course. Where else would it be going?"
That
was what Hephaestus and Frey had been dreading. Tiber Academy was Nile
High's primary rival school. It billed itself as a school for gods of all
pantheons, but everyone knew that the Roman gods were the ones calling the
shots. To say that the students of Tiber Academy weren't terribly fond of
Nile High would, perhaps, be a bit of an understatement. Though, in
fairness, the students of Nile High didn't think too highly of Tiber Academy
either. Whenever students from the two schools crossed paths it was all
but guaranteed that some kind of fight would ensue.
Hephaestus
and Frey pulled out their tablets so as to avoid any eavesdroppers.
Hephaestus used a steam-powered bronze mechanical tablet, while Frey
preferred to use a magic-powered tablet made of leather and parchment.
"Oh
my me! We got on the wrong bus!" Hephaestus texted.
"Don't
panic, let's stay positive here. Maybe if we just explain what happened,
and admit that it was an honest mistake..."
"No!
They'll crucify us for sure if we do that!"
"Okay
then, so any ideas about how we get out of here?" asked Frey.
"I'm
afraid not. Oh, if only Athena was here, she'd know what to do.
Wait a second, that's it! Quick, get out your paints and a sheet of
paper. If we can paint a rainbow we might be able to get Iris to run a
message for us. Oh, and uh, you wouldn't happen to have a couple gold
coins you could spare, would you?"
"Does
your rainbow goddess take Norse red-gold?"
"I
guess we're about to find out."
Hephaestus
used his fingers to quickly scrawl what he hoped was a reasonably passable
rainbow. He took the gold coins from Frey and folded the rainbow painting
around them. All the while he desperately hoped that Iris would get the
hint. After a few tense minutes Hephaestus felt the weight of the coins
disappear. Not long after that the paper began to glow with rainbow
light.
"Hello!
Thank you for choosing the message service of Iris the Goddess of
Rainbows! Due to an unexpectedly heavy amount of message requests, I've
been forced to switched to my automated service. For a shinier rainbow,
draw the number one. To subscribe to my newsletter, draw the number two.
If you wish to leave a review, draw the number three. Your messages
are super important to me! If you are new to my messaging service, draw
the number four. To request a refund of your message..."
Hephaestus
summoned a flame in his hand and hastily ignited the scroll. Thankfully,
despite how loud the scroll had been, hardly anyone seemed to have noticed.
Those that had noticed merely gave Hephaestus and Frey a suspicious look
before losing interest. It seemed like they were in the clear, for the
moment at least, until Hephaestus felt a tap on his shoulder.
She
was clearly a student of some importance; that much was obvious from the air of
authority she exuded. Her eyes were filled with a fierce and calculating
look to them; she was obviously some kind of war goddess. Her long hair
was black, but depending on how the light hit it, it appeared to have flecks of
purple as well. Her name was on the tip of Hephaestus' tongue, but what
was it? She was a friend of Athena's and her name sounded like a kind of
food. Lasagna? Carbonara? Pancetta? No, it started with
a B.
"Bellona,
I presume?"
"You
presume correctly, Hephaestus of the Greeks."
"Oh
dear me, is it really that obvious?"
"You're
the spitting image of my brother Vulcan; just the way Athena always described
you in her letters."
"You're
not going to turn us in, are you?" asked Frey.
Bellona
sighed. "If I'm being perfectly honest, I really ought to. I have a
duty to my school and my empire, but Athena is a good friend of mine. I
owe her for...well, it's not important. Look, you guys are important to
Athena, so you're important to me. Don't panic, I'm going to get you guys
out of here."
The
first part of Bellona's plan involved keeping a low profile. For a few
minutes, the three gods sat together in near silence. At first,
Hephaestus was worried about getting found out. As time went on, however,
he become more concerned about dying from boredom. He was still clutching
some of his comic scrolls. Hephaestus supposed that it wouldn't hurt to
look at only one for only a few minutes.
He
settled on one of his favorites: The Legion of Interplanetary Deities. It
was about a team of young gods and goddesses from other planets having
adventures in outer space. This particular issue saw Magnatar, the leader
of The Legion, teaming up with the goddesses Karatika and Dream Weaver to save
their fellow legionnaire Scorpius from the clutches of the dreaded planet
Tyranos. Hephaestus practically had the scroll committed to memory, but
it was fun to gaze at artwork. He tilted the scroll so that Frey could
look at it as well. To his surprise, however, it was Bellona who leaned
in for a closer look.
"Planet
Heist is a good storyline. Though, personally, Tomb of the Unknown God is
my favorite."
Hephaestus
raised his eyebrows in surprise. "You're a fan of The Legion?"
"Well,
I wouldn't say I've read every issue..."
"You
can reference storylines by name, and you know about The Unknown God.
He's not exactly a character most non-fans would be able to name drop.
In fact, some would say that you're hiding your love of Legion of
Interplanetary Deities in order to keep up appearances," Frey chimed in.
Bellona
smiled sheepishly. "That...might be somewhat true. I mean, I've
missed out on all the storylines that were censored for political reasons, but
other than that...you could possibly say I'm a bit of a fan."
"Censored
for political reason? What do you...oh! You missed out on Rings of
the Namori? Aw, that was the one where Pharaoh Lad dies! Hang on, I
might be able to help you with that."
Hephaestus
rummaged around in his satchel and pulled out a series of spare mechanical
parts, a half-eaten gyro, a live weasel, a sack of gold coins, 100 origami
cranes, a series of unfinished love poems and some text scrolls. After
digging around just a bit more he found it: Legion of Interplanetary Deities
issues 165-171. Hephaestus attempted to hand the scroll to Bellona, but
she raised her eyebrow in surprise immediately pushed the scroll back to him.
"But
you've just met me."
"You're
helping us out, it's the least I could do. Besides, it's kind of nice to
find another Legion fan."
"It
might be a bit before I can get it back to you."
"That's
okay, better that someone read it and enjoy than for it to just sit in my
satchel all day."
Hephaestus
offer the scroll again, and this time Bellona took it. "Thank you,
Hephaestus. It really is quite kind of...oh no, Minerva's coming this
way!"
Frey
frowned. "The goddess carrying the scrolls? That's who you're
worried about?"
Hephaestus
leaning out into the aisle to see what all the fuss was about. When he
saw her, he had to blink to make sure his eyes weren't playing tricks on him.
Superficially at least, she could have been Athena's doppelgänger, and
yet there was just something off about her. For one, Minerva had red hair
rather than blue hair, and she was noticeably shorter than Athena was.
She was also, perhaps, a bit less confident and sure of herself. It
was as though she was a faded copy of Athena.
Minerva
tripped and her scrolls sprawled all over the floor. Frey quickly leapt
up from his seat and helped Minerva pick up the scrolls. Minerva looked completely
gobsmacked when she laid eyes on Frey. Frey smiled warmly, unfolded his
hand and flower instantly sprouted out of his palm. He plucked the flower
from his palm and handed it to Minerva. The wisdom goddess giggled like a
love-struck school girl...which is, of course, precisely what she was.
"Hi,
I'm single...I mean, Minerva! My name is Minerva! That what I meant
to say before I...I don't believe we've been introduced. What did you say
your name was?"
"My
name? Ah, yes, my name! My name is Yngvi, and over there is my dear
friend Mulciber. We're recent transfers to Tiber Academy, and we are
really excited to be here."
"New
transfer students? That's strange, I don't remember reading about new
students in any of the paperwork for this month."
"Oh?
That is strange indeed. You're an intelligent goddess, and always
so thorough with your paperwork," said Bellona, an eyebrow raised as she
sipped from a cup of complimentary wine.
"I-I-I,
that is to say that...well, you see it's really...um, I, uh. Oh!
Goodness, I've forgotten to get your coffee. Here, let me go get
that for you."
Minerva
was about to rush off, but then Hephaestus caught her attention.
Hephaestus did his best to seem unassuming and nothing out of the
ordinary, but Minerva persisted. There was a worrisome look of
recognition in her eyes. Hephaestus didn't exactly help matters by
pulling down his helmet's visitor just a bit too swiftly.
"You
seem strangely familiar."
"Well,
you know, I've got one of those faces."
"You
look like Vulcan, but you can't be Vulcan. I just spoke with him before I
got here. So then how can it be that you...ow! Ow! Weasel!
Weasel on my toe! Ow! Ow! Get it off! Get it off!
Get it off!"
The
weasel that Hephaestus had pulled out of his satchel had clamped down on
Minerva's big toe. Minerva tried her best to pull the weasel off, but
that only caused it to bite harder. She resorted to hobbling around in
circles and trying to kick the weasel off, but she wound up falling flat on her
face when the bus came to an abrupt stop. By now the bus was filled with
a chorus of laughter from students reveling in the schadenfreude of the
situation. Bellona took the opportunity to take Hephaestus and Frey to
the upper deck of the bus; hopefully, away from prying eyes.
There
were a few gods and goddesses working the masts and rigging of the upper deck,
but thankfully not many. Bellona pulled a small blue bird out of the
folds of her cloak. At first, Hephaestus thought that it was a living
bird, but upon closer inspection, the bird turned out to be completely
mechanical. The metal bird ticked and creaked with the sound of
interlocking clockwork gears. Bellona cupped the bird in her hands and
gently stroked its head. The bird's eyes began to glow with red light,
and its beak opened with a click.
"What's
on your mind?"
"Begin
new message to @Olive_Owl. Code 405, signifiers Heta Fehu, end message.
Send immediately."
The
mechanical bird made a series of whirring and clicking noises; it then gave a
bow to Bellona and took flight. Hephaestus had never really been much for
social media, but he had to admit, the technical aspect had more than peaked
his interest. He'd have to take a closer look at one of the message birds
once he and Frey were safely returned to Nile High. For now, however, it
would have to wait.
Surprisingly
enough, it didn't take long for a response to come. A new bird landed on
Bellona's hand. This one appeared to be purple rather than blue; no, not
purple, wine dark. With a few clicks, the metal bird's chest opened and a
rolled-up piece of paper slowly extended outwards.
"You
have received a new photo from @WineDude69."
Bellona
sighed and pushed the photo back into the metal bird. "Bacchus again.
Delete it, I'm not interested."
"You
sure? He could be a fellow artist giving you some references for your
sketches," said Frey.
"Trust
me, they're not the sort of photos you share in polite company or...wait a
minute, how did you know I sketch?"
"Well,
the first tip-off was the graphite under your fingernails. Then I saw the
way you were looking out the window at the landscape. You were memorizing
every little detail so that you could recreate it later. Don't deny it,
I'd know that look anywhere. Of course, the biggest clue was when I
caught you flipping through your sketch book."
Bellona
pulled out her sketch book and handed it to Frey. "It's a hobby of
mine, when I can find the time. I mostly sketch in black and white.
It's practical, if not always ideal."
"Have
you considered using a color-changing pencil? I've got plant to spare,
strait from the craft fairs of Alfheim."
"That's
okay, you don't have to..."
"No,
I insist. It's no trouble at all. I'll have plenty more soon enough. Light elves are good people, but they
can be a bit of a handful at times. I remember, on this one trip to
Alfheim, I had to wear a sack over my head just so the paparazzi would leave me
alone. Man, that was one crazy...hey, look! The bird's back!"
Sure
enough, Bellona's metal bird had arrived with a scroll sticking out of its
beak. Bellona was about to unfurl the scroll when there was a clanging of
bells from atop one of the bus’s masts. Everyone look up to see a god
leaping from mast to mast. He effortlessly soared through the air as
though he didn't have a care in the world. There wasn't the slightest
hint of fear nor hesitation in any of his movements. The god slid down a
rope ladder before somersaulting in the air and sticking his landing.
Hephaestus
was finally able to get a good look at the god. He was wearing the finest
Roman armor, the gladius on his belt gleamed in the sunlight, his beard and
haircut were tripped to precision. He was, both literally and
figuratively, dressed to kill. There was something familiar about this
god; Hephaestus just couldn't put his finger on it. Then it clicked: this
god was the spitting image of Hephaestus' brother Ares! He was certainly
a lot more well-groomed than Ares, but the resemblance was there. The
answer to the god's identity was on the tip of Hephaestus' tongue.
"You're
Mars Ultor!" Hephaestus inadvertently spoke aloud.
"My
reputation precedes me! Say, I don't believe we've met before. Are
you recent transfer students?"
"Heph-er,
Mulciber! Mulciber at your service, and this is my friend Yngvi."
Mars
gave them each a hearty slap on the back. Hephaestus nearly got toppled
over, but thankfully, Frey caught him before that could happen. Mars took
in an, almost comically, deep breath before slowly exhaling and gazing out at
the rolling steppe.
"You
boys couldn't have picked a better school to attend. Here at Tiber
Academy we like to suck out the marrow of life. Wherever we find ourselves,
be it the eternal city or out in the wilderness, we learn with a vigor like no
others. You'll have the time of your eternal lives turning wild lands
into provinces of the greatest empire our world has ever known. You'll
see plays, experience gladiator matches, listen to poetry, watch chariot races
and so much more. Most important of all, when it is time for Bellona and
I to have our day of days, you shall be at our wedding!"
"That,
uh, that's certainly a lot to take in."
"Fear
not. It can seem overwhelming at first, but I have full confidence that
you two will find your place at Tiber Academy in no time at all. Still
though, it does seem rather odd that I've never encounter either of you
before."
"That
is because we have been very busy with our extracurricular activities,"
Frey interjected.
"Oh,
really? And what might these extracurricular activities be?"
"Why,
singing in the choir, of course."
"Singing
in the choir?" Mars repeated, his eyebrows raised in surprise.
One
look at Bellona was all Frey and Hephaestus needed to realize that this was the
worst possible answer they could have offered. They needed to salvage the
situation before Mars connected the dots. Perhaps a joke could defuse
things? Yes, that could be something. It would have to appeal to
Roman sensibilities while still being side-splittingly hilarious. Frey
decided to take the initiative.
"So,
who wants to hear a joke? It's really, truly and honestly
hilarious."
"Well,
with those credentials you'll need a proper audience. Gather round
everyone, Yngvi is going to regale us with a joke. Whenever you're
ready."
"Okay
then, what would Neptune say if all the seas were to boil away?"
"Hmm,
I don't know. What would Neptune say?"
"Well
don't look at me, I haven't got a notion!"
Instead
of a chorus of laughter, there was a series of confused murmurings. Frey
exchanged an uneasy glance with Hephaestus, worried that their plan hadn't
worked. Then the coin dropped. All of the assembled Romans were
practically rolling on the deck laughing once the joke clicked.
Hephaestus supposed that it had been a cleaver joke, but not anywhere
near as gut-bustingly funny as the Romans seemed to find it. Still, who
was he to argue with results? Mars gave Frey, a very enthusiastic,
handshake.
"You
sir have a gift. A gift I say! You should write your jokes down in
a book. You could fill the world with a lot laughter and joy. I
think we could all use some more laughter in our lives."
"Why,
thank you. I'll certainly keep that in mind."
Bellona
leaned up against Mars and batted her eyes. "Dearest, we have been
traveling for quite a while. Perhaps it would be best for everyone if we
were to make a stop at a trading post? We're not too far from Ulan
Barter."
Hephaestus
frowned. "Don't you mean Ulan Bator?"
"Actually,
no. That really is what it's called."
Mars
rubbed his chin in thought. "It would be an opportunity to get better
equated with the local culture. That could be useful for when we annex
this region in the name of the empire. Yes, I do believe we can arrange
that."
As
soon as Mars had his back turned Bellona mimed gagging to Hephaestus and Frey.
That certainly seemed a bit odd gesture for a betrothed goddess to be
making. Hephaestus also not that, in the time he'd been on the Tiber
Academy bus, he had yet to encounter a single teacher or other faculty member.
For that matter, the students of Tiber Academy seemed far more
disciplined than the students at Nile High. Perhaps they didn't need as
many teachers to keep an eye one them?
Hephaestus
wasn't quite sure what he expected Ulan Barter to look like. As it turned
out, it was a series of enormous interconnected tents. No, not tents,
there was a technically terms that was escaping his mind. Yurts?
Ah, yes, that was it. Back below deck, Mars was standing in front
of a podium situated at the bow of the bus. The students were standing at
attention, extended their right arms forwards, their fingers pointed forwards
and their thumbs tucked under their palms. Hephaestus and Frey shared a
knowing glance with one another and tried their best not to laugh.
Performing the Roman Salute in Greece or Scandinavia was a good way to
get socked in the face. There was a certain thrill to, secretly, breaking
such a taboo.
Mars
tapped his spear against the ground and cleared his throat. "My fellow
Romans, and assorted other deities, we have arrived at our first pit stop.
There are many of you who may think that this is just a trading post.
I would caution you to remember that this trading post is situated on a
tributary of the Silk Road. I'm sure I don't need to remind you what an
advantage it would be for Rome to control and command the Silk Road's wealth.
Treat this as you would any educational activity. Now, that doesn't
mean you can't take this opportunity to stretch your legs or acquire some
trinkets for your collections. However, anyone caught spending more than
five denarii will receive latrine duty for a week. Have I made myself
clear?"
"Yes,
Mr. Praetor!" replied the students in unison.
"Excellent!
Remember, Rome is ever expanding. Today the Silk
Road, tomorrow China, and a week from next Tuesday it'll be
the Americas! Then, three months from now, Proxima Centauri!
Let's make it happen people! To the trading post!"
Before
long the Romans were swarming the stands and displays of trinket and
knickknacks. Hephaestus, Frey and Bellona found a comfortable stop at the
trading post cafe and tried to look assuming. The cafe menu wasn't really
much to snuff at; pretty much everything included yak's butter in some capacity
or another. The trio ultimately settled on ordering yak's butter tea.
Hephaestus took a single sip, just to see what it tasted like. It
took every ounce of his will power just to keep it down. Or, to put it
another way, it took everything had in him not to yak. Hopefully it
wouldn't be long before the bus from Nile High arrived and he could put all
this behind him.
"So,
you're going to married to Mars. Congratulations?" said Frey as he
smiled cautiously.
Bellona
suddenly become very interested in her tea glass. "It's mostly for
symbolic and political purposes. The top god and top goddess currently
attention Tiber Academy, together in marriage. It wouldn't be considered
proper...that is, Father wouldn't have us marry anyone else. Not lesser
gods, and especially not any barbarians."
"And
by barbarians, I'm assume you're referring to gods such as Hephaestus and
I?"
"Do
understand, I meant no slight again wither of you. In Rome, anyone who is
not a Roman is referred to as a barbarian."
"But
you do love Mars, don't you?" asked Hephaestus.
Bellona
sighed. "I love him like a brother. Of course, that's primarily
because he actually is my brother. He is a good god, a god who will serve
Rome well, but..."
"But
there someone else who holds you heart."
"There
was, but I've learned to let it go. I have my duty to Emperor and Empire.
Sometimes that means I have to put the needs of Rome ahead of my own wants
and desires."
"But
everyone deserves to be with the ones they love!"
Bellona
sullenly traced circles on the table with her finger. "Would that it were
so easy. Would that it were so easy."
Now,
in light of the above conversation, the gentle reader would do well to keep in
mind a few facts about divine relationships. Gods, lacking any sort of
DNA, are not subject to the negative effect associated with incest. Thus,
such relationships are not considered taboo in the slightest. For though
gods may look and act human, they are very different from you or I.
Without further delay, allow us to resume the story.
Hephaestus
placed his hand on Bellona's arm in sympathy. When he looked up he found
Mars and Minerva standing before him. The weasel that had been on
Minerva's toe was now hanging from her nose. She and Mars were holding a
large bundle of scrolls and papers. The scrolls were completely decked
out in wax seals and gilded emblems. Hephaestus, a sinking feeling
swiftly forming in his stomach, soon realized what the scrolls were:
administration records! Oh no, they'd finally been found out!
"Oh,
hello there. Funny thing, Mars and I were nosing through some
records..."
"And
speaking of noses, might you feel better if I were to remove that weasel, dear
sister?"
Minerva's
cheeks turned as red as a hot iron fresh from the forge. "Oh, right.
Yes, thank you dear Mars. That would be most divine."
Mars
hadn't taken more than a single step towards Minerva before the weasel let go.
The weasel promptly scurried across the floor and promptly made beeline
for Hephaestus' satchel. As much as Hephaestus tried, he just couldn't
think of where the weasel had come from, or why it loved his satchel so much.
There were a few minutes of awkward silence as everyone just stood around
shuffling their feet. Eventually, Mars broke the silence by clearing his
throat.
"So,
anyway, Minerva and I were going through some records. It seems that
there is a slight problem with your membership in the choir. You see,
neither of you are in the choir. Ask me why."
"Um...okay,
why?"
"Why
what? Be specific, Hephaestus of the Greeks."
"Why
aren't Frey and I part of the choir?"
A
disturbing knowing grin was spreading across Mars' face. "You aren't part
of the choir because Tiber Academy does not have a choir!"
"Oh,
doesn't it now? Well...that was just a slip of the tongue! What we
really meant to say was that we were...uh, tap dancing with the Math
Club?"
"Mars,
wait! It's not what you think!" Bellona pleaded.
"Oh,
I think it's exactly what I think it is, my dear Bellona. Clearly, you
lured these intruders into a false sense of security until they could be
apprehended. Well done! In fact, I think we can all learn from the
example Bellona has set."
By
now a large crowd of Roman gods and goddesses had amassed around Hephaestus and
Frey. Hephaestus gasped with shock when he saw a tall muscular Germanic
god wielding a double-bladed battle axe. He shrieked in terror when he
saw an Aztec god with two sacrificial knifes. He almost fainted when he
caught the sight of two goddesses holding a large wooden cross. Mars
himself was swinging a large metal chain around his head as though it was a
lasso. Amidst his fear, Hephaestus was vaguely reminded of gladiator
games. Well, he'd never actually been to a gladiator game, but he had
read about them in books.
Strangely,
Frey seemed completely calm despite the impending doom. In fact, he was
examining his fingernails and looking rather bored. Almost mechanically,
he looked up and extended his hand forwards.
"Now,
correct me if I'm wrong, but don't Romans offer those condemned to death or
torture a few words? You know, a little preamble before the main event,
and all that."
"Alright,
that's a fair point. What words do you have to offer?" asked Mars.
Frey
smiled. "Oh, just these two: Alf Seidr!"
Frey
clapped his hands together three times in rapid succession. On the third
clap, a burst of glowing green energy erupted from Frey's hands. The magical
energy knocked the Tiber Academy students to the ground like a stack of
dominos, but left Hephaestus and Bellona standing. Hephaestus was ready
to bolt form the door when he realized that he wasn't being chased.
Tentatively, he tapped a Roman with his foot. The Tiber Academy
students had been knocked completely unconscious by Frey's magic.
"There,
that should buy us a few minutes before they come around."
"I
don't understand..."
"Elf
magic, just a little gift I gave the light elves. What you just witnessed
was a slight variation on a stun spell..."
"No,
I mean that I don't understand where the Nile High bus is. Athena said it
would be here about now," said Bellona.
"Key
word being 'about.' Hardly anything at Nile High ever runs on time,"
said Hephaestus.
"Well,
with a ringing endorsement like that, we'll need somewhere to lay low."
The
choices of hiding spots that wouldn't be blindingly obvious was severely
limited. About the only real option was the, much neglected, set of
toilet stalls. Still, desperate times called for desperate measures.
The three deities took a collective deep breath and do their best to all
squeeze into a stall. The stench of the stall reminded Hephaestus of what
he'd always assumed the Underworld would smell like. Actually, that was a
tad hyperbolic; he was fairly certain that Uncle Hades kept a much, much
stricter sanitation service than Ulan Barter.
Hephaestus
tried he best to imagine that he wasn't crammed into a smelly bathroom stall,
desperately hoping not to be found by a school of very pissed off Roman gods.
He envisioned himself back at his forge on Mount Olympus, working on a
new automaton design, or perhaps making some jewelry for Aphrodite. He
tried to imagine this, but that strain on his imagination was just too much.
Presently, there was a knock on the door of the stall.
"Um,
er, uh, o-occupied!" Hephaestus stammered between coughs and gags.
"Oh!
Terribly sorry sir, my mistake. Say, you wouldn't have happened to
have seen a Greek god and a Norse god, would you?"
"No!
No! I mean, no, can't say that I have."
"Okay
then, you take care now."
"Wait
just a minute!" shouted Minerva. "Bacchus, don't you think it's just
the tiniest bit suspicious that this man has three sets of legs?"
"Hmm,
well, when you put it like that..."
Suddenly the stall's door became covered in grape vines, and before long it was completely
yanked off its hinges. The next thing Hephaestus knew he and Frey were
being dragged out of the stall by even more grape vines. They'd barely
had time to recover before they found themselves pinned beneath a large net.
The net began to hoist itself into the air and displayed Hephaestus and
Frey as though they were a pair of prize fish. Hephaestus felt a sharp
pan erupting from his side. He looked down to see Minerva jabbing him
with some kind of wooden staff. The other Tiber Academy students appeared
to be rummaging around for objects to toss.
Hephaestus
and Frey had officially hit rock bottom, but they couldn't give up.
Hephaestus was god of fire, and could summon flames at will, but he
always had trouble during times of stress. Still, anything was worth a shot
at this point. He closed his eyes and tried his best to block out the
jeers of the Romans. He only needed enough fire to burn a hole in the
net, and possibly clear some space for running. Hephaestus could
something hot churning deep within him. It was growing rapidly and
raising higher by the second. Now it was in his mouth and seemed ready to
burst at any moment.
Hephaestus
exhaled and...blew a steady stream of hot air onto the net. Oh no, it
hasn't worked! Hephaestus tried a few more times, growing increasingly
desperate with each attempt, but the most he produced was a few measly embers.
"Look
everyone, his pilot light's gone out!" laughed Gaulish god from
earlier.
Mars
gave Hephaestus and Frey and disappointed look. "I can't tell you how let
down I am! You boy were on your way to becoming such good Romans.
But spies have to face their punishment sooner or later."
"You're
not gonna crucify us, are you?"
"Goodness
no! You're first time offenders; it's far too early for that sort of
thing. What this situation calls for is something on the lighter side.
I'm told that the natives of this region have a custom where lawbreakers
have their arms and legs tied to four different horses, and then swiftly yanked
apart. Sounds like a lovely opportunity for cross-cultural enrichment,
wouldn't you say?"
"How's
about this: you let Hephaestus and I go free, and then we all have a good laugh
about what a misunderstanding this was," said Frey.
"Nobody
asked what you think!" Minerva snarled as she jabbed her staff into Frey's
face.
Mars'
eyes suddenly when wide and he snapped his fingers. "Good gracious, we've
forgotten the Two Minutes Shame! Romans, ready your rocks for a shaming.
Now then, since the lovely Bellona was the one who identified these
spies, she gets to cast the first stone. Whenever you are ready, dearest
Bellona."
Bellona
was caught between the axe and the alter. She had her duty to Rome, but
she'd grown fond of Hephaestus and Frey. They might not have been Romans,
but they were good gods at heart. They certainly didn't deserve to be
subject to torture just for being from another school. There was only a
handful of occasions that Bellona had questioned her commitment to Rome and its
ethos; this certainly qualified as one such occasion. Everyone was
starting to get antsy and questioning why she hesitated. Perhaps she
could deliberately miss? No, she was one of the best markswoman at Tiber
Academy; everyone would suspect that something was amiss. She could toss
the rock gently, but that would just kick things off, so that wouldn't do.
Thankfully,
Bellona caught a lucky break, and was saved from having to make a decision.
Seemingly form out of nowhere, a banana cream pie sailed through the air
and hit Mars directly in the face. If Mars had looked like Ares before,
he was a near perfect facsimile now. His eyes turned into balls of
flaming hatred and anger as he scanned the room for the culprit.
"Who
threw this pie at me?! Tell me! Tell me now!"
As
if in response, another pie hit Mars in the face. The students of Tiber
Academy turned around to see Athena, along with the rest of Nile High, standing
next to a large stack of pies. At long last, Hephaestus and Frey's
salvation had arrived! Athena picked up another pie and tossed it up and
down in her hand. The Tiber Academy students drew their weapons and
prepared to attack, but Athena wasn't perturbed in the slightest. As a matter
of fact, she actually yawned as she lobbed yet another pie at Mars.
"Oh,
I'm sorry, would you care for some whipped cream with that? It's only one
drachma extra."
"Romans,
change of plans! Nile High has compromised our position, and they must be
eliminated posthaste. Fall into rank and prepaid for battle!"
Before
long the entire yurt was consumed by speeding pies, clashing swords, crackling
magic spells, smoking potion bombs, jabbing spear and slapping fish. In a
way, it would of have been oddly comforting, if Hephaestus and Frey hadn't been
sitting ducks in the middle of a battlefield. Nike and Victoria were
attempting to strangle each other, Horus and Mithras had mutually pied one
other with cherry pies, and Thor and Donar were sparing with their hammers.
Meanwhile, Pan and Faunus were smoking joints together, while Bacchus and
Dionysus compared notes on types of wine.
Thankfully,
Bellona was able to use the chaos as an opportunity to cut the net containing
Hephaestus and Frey open. The trio of deities searched for a spot to
rendezvous with Athena amidst the swelling chaos. Before long, they found
a spot behind a stand of dried meat snacks, and decided to observe the
fighting. The Tiber Academy students were organized and coordinated, but
they were completely caught off-guard by the sheer disorganization and unpredictability
of the Nile High students. What the Nile High students lacked in
precision, they more than made up for in enthusiasm.
Out
of the smoke of battle a figure emerged. She had long blue hair, grey
eyes, olive green chiton and bronze battle armor. At long last, they had found
Athena. Bellona and Athena embraced one another in a hug, but almost
immediately, they let go and look a bit embarrassed of themselves. Their
shame soon turned to happy laugher, as though they were sharing a private joke,
and they smiled together like old friends.
Bellona
placed her arms around Hephaestus and Frey. "Excuse me, miss. We're
having a two-for-one special. They're house broken and they've had all
their shots."
"Hmm,
I don't know. I'll have to think about it...okay, I thought about it.
Yeah, I think I'll take them."
Just
then, Minerva charged forwards with her staff pointed towards Hephaestus.
She stopped dead in her tracks as soon as she saw Athena. Minerva's
eyes went wide, as though she were a sheep who had just stumbled across a wolf.
Athena simple smiled and waved, which proved more than enough to cause
Minerva to faint and collapse to the ground. Bellona picked up Minerva
and slung her over her shoulder.
"Duty
calls. Farewell, Hephaestus and Frey. Perhaps we could have been
friends, if things were different."
"You
know, we could always write each other," Hephaestus offered.
Bellona
smiled. "Yes, I think I'd like that very much."
"If
you're ever in Vanaheim, give me a call. I'll show you my favorite
sketching spots," said Frey.
Bellona
pressed the tips of her fingers against Athena's. "I kept my
promise."
"Don't
keep your distance," said Athena, a wistful look in her eyes.
With
that, Bellona rushed off the join her fellow Romans. Athena, meanwhile,
made damn well sure that Hephaestus and Frey made it onto the Nile High bus.
By now, the yurt had caught on fire and everyone was making their way to
their respective buses. That was how it usually went when Nile High and
Tiber Academy got into a scuffle; it usually ended in a draw because everyone
got board of fighting. As soon as the three of them had sat down, Athena
slapped Hephaestus and Frey on the back of their heads.
"That's
for not looking before you leaped!" said Athena, but then she pulled them
into a hug. "And this is for making it back."
"Got
it, look before we leap...literally," said Frey.
"So,
anything interesting happen while we were away?"
"You
want to know about me and Bellona, don't you?"
Hephaestus
smiled nervously. "Well, I kind of parsed out that you used to be her
girlfriend. It's just...well, kind of not what I expected."
Athena
arched her eyebrow in surprise. "You do know that it's called Greek Love
for a reason, right Hep?"
"No,
no, I get that's part! I meant it's weird because she's a Roman..."
"And
I'm a Greek," Athena finished. "That's what did us in. Dad and
Jupiter were less than enthusiastic about our relationship. We broke up,
so it goes, but we've learned to make our peace with it. I found love
with Thoth, and hopefully, Bellona will find someone to love her."
"I
suppose that good and all but...I don't know, it seems a little sad.
Bellona's such a noble goddess, even if she is one of the Romans."
Athena
smiled. "That's the thing about the Romans, not all of them are bad.
Really, none of them are truly evil. Misguided, a bit thick at
times, but at heart they are good people. No matter what else happens,
always remember that."
At
long last, Hephaestus and Frey could simply sit back and relax. The scent
of fish and seaweed, which had seemed so off-putting before, now had an almost
comforting quality to it. The graffiti on the back of the seats, and the
mysterious green stain on the ceiling, seemed to have an almost artistic quality
to them. There were some gods and goddesses tossing a glowing ball across
the aisle, others who were playing pranks on everyone, and a few who were just
chatting loudly and shouting at each other from across the bus.
Overseeing it all, a group of teachers were desperately trying to bring
about some semblance of order.
It
was disorganized, chaotic, wild, unpredictable and overall it felt like home.
It was a Nile High field trip, and Hephaestus and Frey wouldn't have had
it any other way. There was just one slight problem: there were two
version of Dionysus, and one of them was wearing Roman clothes. Not only
that, but unless Hephaestus had come down with a case of double vision, there
were also two version of Apollo. Hephaestus and Frey looked at Athena,
and it was obvious that she'd noticed as well.
"Here
we go again," said Hephaestus and Frey in unison.
Athena
sighed and pulled out an olive green mechanical bird. "Start new message
to @Daughter_of_Rome. Tag, now I'm it."
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