Sunday, January 23, 2022

U.S. State Flag of Normandy

This is the U.S. State Flag of Normandy. It comes from a world where the Dunkirk evacuation failed, and Britain signed an armistice with Nazi Germany. Meanwhile, the United States never got involved in the war in Europe. Following the Fall of France, Germany focused its full military might on the Soviet Union. Despite a valiant effort, the Soviet Union fell to the Nazis, and Germany now stood as the supreme and uncontested ruler of continental Europe. 

Germany divided France into a series of administrative regions. This was done in hopes of keeping France weak, and preventing it from ever rising against Germany again. Furthermore, Germany also destroyed France’s industry. The French were even denied the use of chemical fertilizers, which lead to millions of deaths via starvation in the resulting famine. Germany implemented similarly harsh measure across the rest of its empire.

By the 1950s, Germany had fallen into a state of civil war. At the same time, America and Britain committed to military action against Germany. By 1960, Europe has been liberated, and Nazi Germany defeated for good. Unfortunately, France was left as an impoverished and deindustrialized shell of its former self. The regions began to process of reunification, but the northern most regions had other plans. They applied to join the United States.

After some debate, Congress approved the application, and the Normandy Territory was established. Normandy officially gained statehood in 1972, making it the 51st State. The State of Normandy includes the regions of Brittany, Normandy, and Hauts-de-France from our world. Becoming an American territory meant that reconstruction went quicker for Normandy than it did for the rest of France. Normandy also received more money for rebuilding. Of course, Normandy wasn’t the only place in Europe to follow this path. Sicily became the 52nd State in 1974. Kyushu became the first American state in Asia in 1977, with Ryukyu following in 1978.

Normandy has received significant immigration from the rest of the French-speaking world. In fact, it is the only state where French is the dominant language. Though, this is only a slight majority. Most Normans are bilingual, and signs are in both English and French. Today, the scars of the past had begun to fade, and Normandy enjoys a high standard of living. The many picturesque towns, especially those with surviving medieval buildings, make it a popular tourist destination for the rest of America. Recently, Normandy has become home to Europe’s first Disneyland park. Normandy is notable for its more relaxed and slower pace to life than most other American states. Normandy combines French and American culture into a truly unique state.

About the only bad thing that can be said of Normandy is it’s flag. The flag is a simple blue background with the medieval Norman lion, and the state name. That the phrase “In God We Trust” be included on the flag was one of the stipulations for Normandy being granted statehood. The flag is universally considered ugly, and more than a little embarrassing. However, thus far, plans to change it have moved rather slowly.



Saturday, January 22, 2022

The Audio File: The Carlötta Beautox Chronicles

It is a new year, and that means there are new reviews of audio dramas to be had. There’s nothing really more for me to add, so I’ll get straight to the point. We’re taking a look at The Carlötta Beautox Chronicles


Kitty Kinicki was just a girl from Picatinny, New Jersey. She had big dreams, and she knew that she should expect more out of life than working at the town armory and eating chicken parm on Sunday nights. So, she decided to throw caution to the wind. She moved to Hollywood with big dreams of becoming an actress. To that end, she would need to reinvent herself. So, she picked a new name, a name as glamorous and exciting as her dreams: Carlötta Beautox! Carlötta has high hopes…but her acting abilities leave something to be desired. Still, come hell or high water, she will do whatever it takes to become a famous celebrity. Gird your loins, Hollywood, because here comes Carlötta Beautox!

The Carlötta Beautox Chronicles is created by Ann Sloan and is a member of the Fable & Folly network of podcasts. Amusingly, it turns out that the Fable & Folly network exists in Carlötta’s world as well. There’s a scene during season three where Carlötta goes to a podcast convention. She learns about what audio dramas are, and of one team that is creating a comedy set in Hollywood. To this Carlotta responds, “So, not in space, or a fantasy realm?” This is s sly reference to fellow Fable & Folly shows We Fix Space Junk and Alba Salix, Royal Physician.

I first became aware of The Carlötta Beautox Chronicles while listening to…hmm, which Fable & Folly show was it? I want to say either We Fix Space Junk or Alba Salix. Probably wasn’t Harlem Queen. In any event, I had a gap in my listening schedule, and decided to give The Carlötta Beautox Chronicles a try. It only took a few episodes before I was hooked, and before long I’d listened to the entire show. How can I best describe The Carlötta Beautox Chronicles? Well, start with The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, but with the rules of reality turned down even lower. Actually, send the rules of reality out to lunch, and make damn sure they don’t return. Add a pinch of paint fumes for flavor, and you have this audio drama.

The Carlötta Beautox Chronicles is almost completely lighthearted and silly. There’s nary a serious moment to be found, and the show is all the better for it. The show has a great theme song, and the lyrics change every season to reflect major developments in Carlötta‘s life. Let’s take a look at the cast of characters who inhabit this world, shall we?

As I have said, Carlötta has high hopes, but zero talent. To give one example among many, in the first episode she gets cast as a corpse on Castle. She had to keep perfectly still and play dead, but manages to fails rather spectacularly. But hey, she did make number eleven on Variety’s “Top 10 Extra’s Nobody Want to Work With” list. So, win some lose some, I guess. In terms of intelligence, Carlötta is somewhere between a sack of bricks and a bag of half-eaten cannolis. Still, despite how funny it is to listen to her fail, she’s endearing enough that we all want to see her succeed, even if only a little. Carlötta supplements her acting gigs, such as they are, by working various odd jobs. Among other things, she’s been a dog-walker, a personal assistant, and even babysat some alpacas. She thought they’d be alpacas sweaters, not literal alpacas, despite a galactic-sized amount of evidence to the contrary. Carlötta is voiced by Samantha Gordon, who is clearly having an absolute blast with the role.

Of course, Carlötta wouldn’t get anywhere without her trusty manager/landlord Dave. He helps find acting roles, and assorted odd jobs, for Carlötta. He’s actually pretty good at it too. For example, he manages to score Carlötta a job selling merchandise at Cannes. Yes, the world famous film festival, and what’s really surpassing is that they usual don’t sell…oh dear, that’s not correct at all. I’m sorry everyone, that was my mistake. Let’s take it from the top, shall we?

What I meant to say is that Dave gets Carlötta a job selling merchandise at Cans, the largest porno convention in America. In his defense, Carlötta can’t really afford to be picky with her jobs. And hey, at least it was selling porno merchandise, not actually being in a porno. And Dave does usually get better gigs for Carlötta. He gets her a job in a film where she plays an Irish person. Naturally, Carlötta felt the need to take a DNA test just to be sure she wasn’t committing cultural appropriation of Irish culture. Thankfully, Carlötta is part Irish, and part, well, just about everything. She even has DNA from nations that don’t have set ethnicity, like Canada. Did I mention that the rules of reality are out to lunch on this show? As you can see, while The Carlötta Beautox Chronicles does occasionally touch on serious and/or controversial issues, it does so with tongue planted firmly in cheek.

Dave is voiced by Trevör Lissauer. Dave sounds kind of like Gubbin from The Axe and Crown, and I initially thought it might be the same voice actor, but I was wrong.

Dave also took a DNA test, and discovered that he is 100 percent Neanderthal. Interestingly, most humans, other than those of predominantly Sub-Saharan African ancestry, have a small amount of Neanderthal DNA. I myself am 2.1 percent Neanderthal. Of course, having near 100 percent would be pretty much unheard of, but again, this isn’t a show where reality is on the guest list. Dave does later discover that he is distantly related to a minor British noble named Dame Pickles. He goes to the United Kingdom to visit her, and winds up with a mouth full of spotted dick when Carlötta calls him unexpectedly.

It’s a type of British steamed pudding, get your minds out of the gutter. Yeah, The Carlötta Beautox Chronicles gets a lot of mileage out of words and phrases that have multiple meanings. One episode see Carlötta get a visit from her Aunt Flo. No, not her period, her Aunt Florence. She is referred to as Literal Aunt Flo by everyone for the rest of the episode. In another episode, after eating wild berries, Carlötta goes on a vision quest and receives wisdom from the Fairy God Cougar. As in, a magical talking mountain lion, not the other kind of cougar. Although, the way the Fairy God Cougar talks certainly brings the other kind of cougar to mind.

Rounding out the main trio is Siri. Yes, the virtual assistant from Apple. She’s rather snarky and sarcastic, constantly makes fun of Carlötta. Of course, during the ads, Siri gives Ann Sloan no end of grief. You know, I do wonder if Ann Sloan might be drawing from her own life, at least a little, for Carlötta‘s misadventures. Some of the jokes about living in a small town in New Jersey do feel like they’re poking fun in an affectionate sort of way. Ann and Carlötta also both moved to Hollywood with dreams of big success.

In any event, there are a lot of references to current celebrities, as is to be expected. Normally, this would potentially limit the shelf life of a series. However, I think that The Carlötta Beautox Chronicles has some staying power. Mel Brooks once said that a parody should still be funny even if you don’t know what it is making fun of. I would argue that The Carlötta Beautox Chronicles falls into this category. It is still perfectly funny even if you don’t know who all of the celebrities are.

But which celebrities make appearances? I’ll give a few examples. The first episode, being on the set of Castle, features a cameo by Nathan Fillion. Well, the voice actor sounded nothing like him, but knowing this show, I’m tempted to say that was deliberate. Another episode sees Carlötta discover that a beloved talk show host is, in fact, a terrible person. Said host is only identified under the fake name of Helen. Hmm, talk show host, name rhythms with Helen, scandalous secrets…I’m stumped. Could be anyone really. What’s that now? Ellen DeGeneres? Why ever do you say that?

Carlötta frequently says that Khloe Kardashian is her spirit animal, and even gets to meet her at the end of season one. The voice actress playing her sounds fairly spot-on. Ooh, Carlötta better be carful. Native America social media activists aren’t going to take kindly to her using the term spirit animal. Native Americans have some serious reservations about that sort of thing. There are several other celebrity cameos, but I’ll leave those for you to discover. Even the ones I couldn’t place still managed to be funny, so I usually got the gist of the jokes.

Well, I think that covers everything not related to serious spoilers. Yes, even a show like this has serious plot-line related spoilers. If you want to know why I said “paint fumes” when describing this show, well, you’ll see when you get to the end of season one.

Suffice it to say, I am very glad that I gave this show a chance. The Carlötta Beautox Chronicles is a wacky, zany, tongue-in-check look at Hollywood and celebrity culture. It is lighthearted, silly, doesn’t take itself too seriously, and is a lot of fun. I strongly recommend that you give it a listen today.

Well, I think that should do it from me for now. I will see you guys next time.

Tuesday, January 4, 2022

Book Review: Voyage by Stephen Baxter

As I have said many times before, good things often come to those who wait long enough. This is certainly true when it comes to audiobooks. Sometimes, if you’re very lucky, your patients is rewarded in a big way. Without further preamble, let’s get into it. We’re taking a look at Voyage by Stephen Baxter.


Voyage takes place in a world where John F. Kennedy survived his assassination attempt. Although, it did render him paraplegic, and Mrs. Kennedy got killed in the crossfire. The Apollo 11 landing is a success just like in our world. However, Kennedy challenges NASA to land a manned mission on Mars by the 1980s. The novel follows an ensemble cast of NASA employees as they work to meet Kennedy’s challenge.

This was another of those books I’d been hoping would become an audiobook. For a few years, I had to settle for the BBC radio adaption that came out in 1999. It is certainly excellent, and I do plan on reviewing it at some point. Well, I need to to come up with a name for the column. I want something that is consistent with The Audio File and The Alt-Hist File. The A-Ticket File? Ticketed Attractions? I’ll think of something eventually.

Still, I longed to listened to a straight-up audiobook adaptation of Voyage. Then, in 2021, Voyage finally came out as an audiobook. In fact, so did Stephen Baxter’s entire NASA Trilogy. The NASA Trilogy isn’t exactly a series per se. It is three standalone books that all involve NASA in some way. Voyage and Moonseed are alternate history. Titan was set in the near future, for the time it was published, but I guess it has retroactively become alternate history. I’m very pleased that all three books have finally become audiobooks.

To start, let’s talk about the audiobook. Voyage is narrated by Kevin Kenerly. Initially, I wasn’t sure how I felt about Kevin as a narrator. But remember, I listened to the full cast BBC radio adaption first. So, I guess I was, consciously or not, comparing Kevin to the full cast version. That wasn’t fair to Kevin, and I did get past this thinking eventually. All things considered, I did enjoy Kevin’s narration. He reminds me of the sort of narrator you hear narrating science fiction books from the 1990s and/or 1980s. Which is fitting, because Voyage was published in 1996. So, no complaints as far as narration goes.

Okay, now lets talk about the plot itself. I should begin by discussing the structure of the novel. It alternates between two points in time. One section begins with the launch of the Ares 1 mission in 1985, and follows its voyage to Mars. The second section begins in 1969 with the Apollo 11 landing, and follows all of the work that went into creating the Ares mission. Eventually, the second section gets to the launch of Ares 1 in 1985, thus bringing the two segments together. We know that Ares will ultimately fly, but it is the journey, not the destination, that really counts. Baxter certainly manages to keep things interesting. What sacrifices will have to be made, and what challenges must be overcome, so that Ares can fly?

Like I said, this book is very much an ensemble cast, and doesn’t really have a main character. The closest it has is Natalie York. She is a geologist who is obsessed with Mars, and all the potential geological discoveries it has to offer. She helps to train astronauts for the Ares mission, but isn’t a big fan of astronauts. Too much dumb fighter jock stuff, as she phrases it. NASA’s astronauts were initially selected from members of the Air Force, and it appears the practice lasted even longer in the world of Voyage. Ironically, Natalie is initially opposed to sending humans to Mars. She feels that far more science could be achieved using unmanned robotic probes. Unmanned probes would also be cheaper, and more probes means more science. Despite this, as the years go on, she becomes a prime candidate for the Ares mission.

The closest thing to a secondary protagonist would be Joe Muldoon. He was the second man to walk on the Moon, and goes on to become a director at NASA. He’s pretty clearly a thinly-veiled stand-in for Buzz Aldrin. I’m not entirely sure why Baxter didn’t just use Aldrin. Maybe using a fictional character gave more flexibility in characterization and storytelling? Of course, Aldrin is still alive, so maybe Baxter had to worry about slander and libel laws? But the threshold for that is pretty high when it comes to public figures, which Aldrin certainly is.

This isn’t the only time Baxter uses a fictional stand-in for a real person. There’s also the character Hans Udet. He is a former Nazi rocket scientist, but that’s hardly unusual. Project Paperclip brought several German scientists, most famously Werner von Braun, to America. Many of them found work at NASA. Unfortunately, Udet used to be in charge of Mittelwerk. It was a Nazi rocket factory that used slave labor. Eventually, Udet’s past catches up with him. This is a clear parallel to Arthur Rudolph, who had a nearly identical backstory. The American government agreed to drop the charges against Rudolph, provided that he renounced his American citizenship and return to West Germany. Something similar happens to Udet.

In other characters we have Ralph Gershon. He’s a black Air Force pilot, and a Vietnam War veteran. He’s not based on any real figures, but he does provide an interesting parallel. In our world, Robert Henry Lawrence Jr. was also a black Air Force pilot. He was under serious consideration to be part of the Apollo program. Unfortunately, he died when an experimental aircraft he was testing crashed. Ed Dwight Jr. was also a black Air Force pilot who was under serious consideration for Apollo, but never made the cut. Thankfully, Gershon does get selected to be part of Ares. You could also see Gershon as somewhat similar to Guion Bluford, the first African-American astronaut from our timeline.

There are other characters, but I’ll leave them for you to discover. Now, it is clear to me that Stephen Baxter wishes that manned spaceflight was more advanced than it is. He also wishes that NASA was better funded, and that it had already sent a manned mission to Mars. However, he also realizes that, in order for that to be possible, it would require some serious sacrifices. And just what are these sacrifices? Allow me to ask you a question: what is the most important part of a space mission?

I’ll save you the trouble. Money is the most important part of a space mission. The money has to come from somewhere if you want to get to Mars by the 1980s. That means you’ll have to start making cuts and canceling programs to free-up funds. Right off the bat, Apollo 16 and Apollo 17 are canceled. Apollo 15 is also canceled, but the crew of Apollo 15 fly on Apollo 14. So, its almost like Apollo 14 got canceled, but not Apollo 15. Apollo 13 has an accident exactly like our world, so no science happened on that mission. Apollo 17 getting canceled was a particular blow, because that was the only mission where scientists got to go to the Moon. The Space Shuttle is also cancel in favor of reusing Apollo tech. Though, Skylab lasts longer than in our world, and another space station called Moonlab, which orbits the Moon, is constructed. Albeit, Skylab and Moonlab are well past their prime when they’re decommissioned.

Oh, but we’re just getting started. The Viking landers are canceled, and this is a particular sore spot for Natalie. In our world, Viking taught us a lot about the composition of Martian soil. Later, Mariner 10, Pioneer 10 and Pioneer 11, Pioneer Venus, and the Voyager probes are all canceled. Let’s go through the list, shall we? Mariner 10 went on a flyby to Venus and Mercury, and was the only probe to visit Mercury until the MESSENGER probe in 2004. Pioneer 10 and Pioneer 11 were the first probes to visit Jupiter and Saturn. They also famously carried the Pioneer Plaques, which serve as messages to any aliens who find the probes after they’ve left our solar system. 

The Voyager probes famously went on a grand tour of the Outer Planets. In fact, some of the most famous pictures of the Outer Planets, and their moons, were taken by the Voyager probes. Voyager 2 is thus far the only probe to visit Uranus and Neptune. Both of the Voyager probes also contain the Golden Records. They are recordings of sounds and music from Earth, including messages in several languages. Like the Pioneer Plaques, they’re for if aliens find the probes.

This has a rather unfortunate side-effect for the world of Voyage. Yes, humans walk on Mars by 1985. However, humanity’s knowledge of the solar system, including Mars, is far less than in the 1985 of our world. Be careful what you wish for indeed. But it isn’t just the lack of knowledge and science regarding the solar system. Who among us hasn’t been in awe at the images brought back by probes such as Voyager 1 and Voyager 2? How many people were inspired to go into science because of those images? Who hasn’t been moved by how the Pioneer Plaque attempts to reach other to other intelligent life forms? All of that would be lost in the world of Voyage.

Natalie frequently complains about how much more data could be obtained with unmanned probes. Ares 1 does a flyby of Venus to use the planet’s gravity to slingshot to Mars. They drop an unmanned probe to the planet’s surface. Natalie should be in awe of actually orbiting another world, but all she can think is about how little science they’re getting out of the probe. She’s a geologist at heart, and is frustrated at how the little probe can’t expand upon the tantalizing glimpse of Venus’ geology it offers. Rather ironically, scientists become some of NASA’s biggest critics. They feel that NASA is too laser-forced on the manned Mars mission. They feel that the money would be better spent on scientific research. For her part, Natalie strongly agrees.

Voyage essentially extends the Apollo era mentality of NASA into the 1970s and 1980s. Science wasn’t neglected during Apollo, but it wasn’t the primary focus. The main goal was simply to go places for the sake of going to them. In our world, after Apollo, NASA put more emphasis on scientific work, both via probes and via manned missions to orbit. It wasn’t as glamorous as Apollo, but it did produce a lot of projects that did benefit people back on Earth. 

Speaking of probes, the Soviet Union does slightly better with it unmanned Mars probes. In our world, almost every Soviet probe sent to Mars ended in complete failure. The probes were named the Mars series. The Soviets were very creative when it came to names. For example, Mars 2 and Mars 3 attempted to map the Martian surface from orbit. Unfortunately, the area they mapped was covered by a massive dust storm, and their trajectories couldn’t be reprogrammed. They had landers, but the Mars 2 lander crashed, and the Mars 3 lander stopped transmitting after ninety seconds.

Mars 7 had a rover, but its computer malfunctioned, and the lander was launch prematurely, completely missing the planet Mars. In the world of Voyage, however, the Mars 7 lander successfully makes it to the Martian surface. Perhaps the butterfly effect is at work? Then again, outside of the space program, history doesn’t seem to change very much. All of the American presidents occur in order, Watergate still happens, no big dramatic differences.

Well, there are a few minor changes. Gene Roddenberry, inspired by the Ares 1 mission, scraps his plans for Star Trek: The Next Generation. Instead, he comes up with an idea for a crew on a smaller ship exploring uncharted space. He plans to call it Star Trek: Explorer. Damn, if only it had been called Discovery instead, that would have been very amusing. There is a short story set in the same world as Voyage called “Prospero One.” It follows an alternate British Space Program, which actually manages to launch an astronaut into orbit and return him to Earth safely.

Interestingly, the scenes in Venus orbit make no mention of the Venera probes that the Soviet Union sent to Venus. Yet there’s no mention of any further Soviet Mars probes, so the money didn’t get diverted or anything.

Baxter does make a strong case that it might have been for the best that things turned out the way they did in our world. And yet, wouldn’t it be something if humans had already walked on Mars? There would be serious downsides and sacrifices, but at the end of the day, it would still be quite the spectacle. It would be one of those moments that would go down as a major milestone in human history. There’s a brief afterword where Baxter explains his thought process, and way he made the changes to history the he did. He concludes more or less what I’ve stated.

Even the naysayers are in complete awe when Ares 1 finally launches. I have heard that rocket launches are quite the spectacle to behold. There’s only one chapter actually set on the surface of Mars; most of it is devoted to preparation for setting foot outside the lander. I know some people didn’t like that, but it makes sense from a thematic perspective. It’s right there in the title. This is a book about the journey, not the destination. Not just the interplanetary voyage of Ares 1, but all the work that happened back on Earth to make it possible. And none of it ever feels boring or dry. We see political dealings, negotiations for production contracts, and other behind the scenes details. We also get very detailed descriptions of how the various spacecrafts work. Baxter makes it all sound quite interesting. I’ll also add that Mangala Valles was a nice choice for a landing site. You don’t see it in fiction too often compared to other locations on Mars.

So, there you have it. Voyage imagines a manned Mars mission, in 1985, launched an alternate NASA. It truly is a novel about the journey, not the destination, and all the better for it. I love alternate history that involves manned spaceflight, and this did not disappoint. I’m glad that my patience has been rewarded once again, and you certainly shouldn’t wait to give Voyage a try.


Well, I think that should do it from me for now. I will see you guys next time.